I’m about to embark on a new adventure, and I’m not yet sure how I feel about it. I’m hoping writing it out will help clear things up in my head.
I’m leaving the BBC shortly before Christmas, with no particular onward destination. I had planned to retire – or at least go part time – when I turn 65 in May 2028. Things moved faster when the BBC offered voluntary redundancy. I applied, and my application was accepted.
In my mind, I’m treating 2027 as a “late career break” that may or may not slide into partial or full retirement. It will be the longest break in paid employment since I was 16. My wife has decided to take a similar “possibly permanent career break” around the same time, so we’ll start this journey together.
I’m not worried about being too idle. We have a busy food bank that we help manage. We also have three grandchildren, who we help look after when needed. There are a million and one things to do around the house and garden, of course, but I’m also looking forward to writing a bit more, contributing to a few open source projects and just generally tinkering.
So, obviously, that sounds fun. But what I’m a little worried about is the mental baggage I’m hauling along on this journey. In the words of Jon Kabat-Zinn, “Wherever you go, there you are.” I suffer from crippling impostor syndrome. My wife asked me recently to sum up my working life. My answer: “A series of lucky escapes.” I know, rationally, that it’s not true, but deep down, I always feel that it’s only a matter of time before someone finds out that I don’t have a clue.
What does impostor syndrome even look like in retirement? Will I think I just suck at being old? Will I be tormented by a fear that I’m retiring all wrong?
Organising myself has also been a bit of a sore point, except as a vehicle for procrastination. I’ll happily organise my notes until the cows come home. But start that blog post, or paint that wall? I’ll do that tomorrow. I’ve taken procrastination to a new level. An art form, really. I guess I could continue that in retirement, but to what end? What needs doing will largely be for me to decide, rather than someone else.
An additional worry is that I’m strongly introverted and, all things being equal, would avoid other human beings as a general rule. I don’t appear that way to many people because I’ve always handled social situations by playing a role: as a journalist, interviewing a subject or pursuing a story; or as an engineer, working out what users or product managers need, or guiding a project. Now I’m just a grandpa, and could easily stay in the house most days, if I wanted to. Do I want to? Even if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be good for me.
I’m genuinely curious to find out what I’ll do with non-employment. I almost certainly will think that I’m doing it all wrong. I’ll just have to live with that, just as I’ve always done. And I don’t think my existing commitments will allow me to become a hermit, as much as I’d like to. My output will also suffer because of my procrastination – again, just as it always has.
In short, I’m still going to be me, with all my weaknesses and insecurities. I’ll have more space and time, either to address them or indulge them. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’m about to find out.